Introvert. Timid. Low self-esteem and self-confidence. Clumsy when I approach people. Lonesome. Insecure.
In my teenage years, these words resonated in my mind. I pronounced them. Repeated them over again. They defined me. I remember they were like a drag on my legs. My first swings to a change have been held back by remarks, comments that did not take long to hurt me or made me feel stupid, sometimes for no reason.
At 15. The trigger. A glimmer of hope helped me erase that old part of myself. I am on a stage interpreting the role of a slightly dumb aunt. As I say my first lines, a positive reaction come from the public. They all laugh. From this moment, life started to be more enjoyable. Confidence increased little by little which impacted on my social life. I felt more competent, I finally have something to say!
I walked my way a little more determined everyday.
Life goes on and I follow my path without overthinking. I got my degree that I paid myself by the sweat on my brow. I got a job more than respectful. A lover. But then, I hit a wall. I am lost, I blended with the crowd. As a cameleon, I lost my colours. If that’s what life is about, daily routine where everyday is the same, then I get depressed. I realised that I didn’t know myself anymore.
So I needed to take a step back. Because the real me, fuels on projects, even the most insignificant ones. But none. I had nothing to light me up, to get going. Because that was it: I was faded. Nothing less. So, where to begin?
A sudden impulse, a flash of craziness brought me to Europe to join my father on his business trip. My journey was short, but I did travel back home alone, on a train, on a bus to then cross the Atlantic. Left to myself. Alone, but proud. But most of all with a clearer mind.
As the years went by, I thought becoming a mom would slow down all the projects I had. But on the opposite, I had more than before. The little light that shines from all theses achievements, which may appear normal to some of you, became a fire burning. I remember what I wanted to become as a teenager and I’m getting closer to it everyday. I went back to my first love that I repressed, The one I never dare to tell to my loved ones.
I am a young professional that works well. At almost thirty years old, I am stronger than ever. And this even if I never accomplished anything impressive (yet!). I haven’t found that revolutionary idea that will put me out of the ordinary people category. However, that’s what suits me and makes me happy. I don’t consider my life as boring. A fuller wallet or the big house everybody wants don’t interest me. I aspire to more simplicity, to discover this little world I live in. I don’t compare myself anymore. Even if some people are not impressed by my ambition to attend a 5K run or to work on a cause. Who cares! This is what fuels me everyday. People can say what they want. I aim to be the best version of myself, to achieve my goals whether they’re the same as other people or not.
I don’t pretend I know everything about happiness, far from it. I only adopt habits that work with me, and I polish them. I try and sometimes I fail. I take a step back and I ask myself questions, especially when I’m not feeling my best. I feel strong even when I’m weak. Because I can have these moment of weakness. Because they’re the perfect opportunity to make a life review. Because these moments of doubts make me stronger.
I open my arms to the change and the audacity. I frequently invite them in my home, because just like kids clothes, what worked yesterday won’t necessarily work tomorrow. And sometimes, it’s a sly change and it hits us up when we resist to welcome it in our lives.
Lately, I dared to send the words I wrote. One clic and they are on the web. A new adventure started for me, which brings me new opportunities as they pass.
Insecure? It’s in women’s nature, I work on it everyday and I’m proud of the improvements I made.
Clumsy, lonesome? No. Not anymore.
Introvert? Yes, but no less of a go-getter and an ambitious person.
For those who tell me that I’m timid? I tell them that I’m more discreet. I observe. I analyse. But wait til I come, I will take my place when the time comes.